Happiness.
What is it. Why does it matter. Why is it such a big deal. I am finally getting set up. I was kicked out 4 months ago to the day. I was homeless for the first two, living out of my car, because my girlfriend couldn’t take me into her parent’s place.. I found a place and thought having a roof over my head would make me happy, but it wasn’t enough. So, I started school, thinking that my love for academia would make me happy. It still wasn’t enough. So I took a job, a job that I have been yearning for forever in my professional pursuits, but I am still not happy. I mean, I have a great job, a great place to live, and I am pursuit of my degree in something of interest, and I am excited, but never happy. I pay my bills, I eat regularly now, and can put gas in my car. My need for survival is enough. I have breathe, food, sex, water. I have the security of a roof over my head, health, and employment. I have my love and belonging through friends and my girlfriend and our intimacy. I have self esteem and respect for myself and others. I have I would like to say I am self- actualized. I feel with these in retrospect, I should be happy. But I am always so upset. I do not know if its with the fact that I am on the inside a transman, but with the area I am in, I can’t be who I am. The only people who know me as Taylor is my girlfriend and my mentor. I feel so free when I bind and pack, but I cannot do it everyday. I cannot be me everyday, and it scares me. I wish I felt safe enough to not be who the world sees me, but as taylor, who I am. Then maybe I will be Taylor. Maybe I will be who I know I am and then I will be happy.
